I struggled with Binge Eating Disorder for over ten years. Since January 2018, I started working with two professionals and have seen so much growth in myself and managing my emotions. Most days are much easier than they used to be, but there are still some harder days.
Recovering from an eating disorder doesn’t mean that you won’t encounter hard times anymore or your past demons won’t ever take over again. I had a hard evening last week but I was able to push through and come out stronger. This may sound silly to some of you, but this is just a very small glimpse into my struggle with BED.
So, I have three MacBook laptops (two more than someone should probably have…), and within the past month or so, I have forgotten my login and password to two of them. Like, I can’t even get into my own computers..how does someone forget that?!
Anyway, last week I realized that I had forgotten how to get into a second one and I was flabbergasted with myself. This summer is very busy for me but I was in shock that I forgot something this big. So, I tried staying calm and telling myself, “You have a lot going on now. When things settle down, you’ll remember.” So, I turned my attention to something else so I wouldn’t get over fixated with the fact that I couldn’t log into two of my computers -_-
I turned my attention to my Garmin watch because I wanted to create a race countdown on my watch face. Well, if you follow me on Instagram and watched my stories, you know how much of a struggle this was for me.
Attempt after attempt, I plugged my Garmin into my computer, and my computer kept telling me my Garmin wasn’t connected.
I unplugged, replugged, disconnected, turned it off and on for far too long, and just couldn’t get it to connect.
I was feeling so over and done with technology. Being unable to access two of my computers and now Garmin telling me my watch wasn’t connected threw me over the edge.
My stress level went through the roof and all of a sudden, I just wanted to eat. Yes, eat. Just suppress my frustrations with technology with food. I lay down on my bed flat on my stomach, put my face into my crossed arms, closed my eyes, and took deep breaths.
Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale.
Kyle came in and asked me what was wrong. I could barely speak. I think I mumbled, “I just want to eat”, but I couldn’t get anything else out or I thought I was going to scream.
It took me two hours to feel completely better. Two hours of deep breathing, lying down with my eyes closed, not talking, doing small tasks around the apartment, and relaxing quietly.
This is just a very small glimpse into what dealing with BED has been like for me. It took so much effort and control last week to not fall off the wagon and binge, but I woke up the next morning feeling so proud of myself. Proud of myself for not ransacking the kitchen. Proud for not snapping at Kyle. Proud because even though it took two hours, I told myself I could get through this and come out stronger.